“You’re welcome” – not in London you’re not

Small things matter when it comes to well-being and self-worth. Tiny interactions can make an enormous difference to our outlook – with good days turned to bad or normal days ruined by a momentary negative exchange with a stranger. Of course this also works the other way. A kind word or joke can cheer us – even make us emotional if we are feeling vulnerable.

And as we receive, so we broadcast. Look angry or depressed and we trigger negative interactions (in shops, on the tube, in a queue). Smile, and the world (mostly) smiles back – reinforcing our self-esteem.

This is an important point because it says we are responsible for how the impersonal world treats us. We are not passive recipients of hostility. When it comes to positivity, we can go on the offensive. Sure, smiling in public is difficult and can be misinterpreted – especially in cities that tend to frown such as London (New York too, though for real frowning there’s nowhere like Moscow). But we can and should project ourselves positively and hope for better results.

Though a bit cheesy, Anthony Robbins is good at this stuff – as is Richard Carlson (he of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff). A strong tip from Robbins, which has broader application, is to tip the shoeshine boy “a quarter [25c] not a dime [10c]”. Of course this goes well beyond the “shoeshine boy” (or US-dollar denominated interactions). It means that we should be generous, not just with tipping but with how we communicate with the people who deliver us basic goods and services.

Meanwhile, one of Carlson’s tips is to “be nice to receptionists”. Again, this has wider application – basically stating that scowling at everybody until we meet somebody important or somebody we need something from is appalling behaviour. We should treat well and with courtesy everybody we meet along our personal-interaction supply-chain. Sure, this works because the receptionist may have the boss’s ear. And it’s good grace to treat others with respect. But mainly we should offer positivity because, if we do, it is likely to flow back towards us. Tipping well is self-reinforcing, as is a pleasant exchange with those at the foot of the skyscraper (as well as those on the 40th floor).

We are all guilty of transgressions in this respect – certainly I am. But we should at least recognise the principles extolled by Robbins and Carlson: that projecting ourselves well at all levels helps support our feelings of self-worth, as well as those we come across. And it may just mean we are treated well in return.

So what’s brought on this plea for communal niceties? In fact it was a debate in the office, triggered by me offering a “bless you” to a sneezing colleague. He had sneezed several times, with no response, before I remembered that – as an American new-enough to the UK for him not to be immune to our ways – he may think our silence rude.

I’m not claiming a level of civility here beyond my compatriots. As stated, it was my awareness of my American colleague’s expectations following his sneeze that forged my own “bless you” response. Like most Brits, offering quaint pseudo-religious absolutions is no longer my automatic response to a sneeze. More often my thoughts are along the lines of “urghh germs” and the hope that the sneezer will make efforts to restrict the airborne assassins he’s just released into the atmosphere.

Yet my “bless you” response brought about an office debate on “the coarsening of UK society” – and society's losses thereof – versus the “insincerity of American politeness”. Many Brits are firmly in the camp that American platitudes such as “have a nice day” are irritating because they are – especially when delivered by shop assistants or hotel receptionists – hollow and therefore meaningless.

In fact the “have a nice day” banality is a major aspect of British stereo-typing of Americans. Yet I’ve heard it no more than a handful of times during my long stay and many visits to the US, and never in New York. That said, I’m firmly of the opinion that American insincerity with respect to human exchanges is infinitely preferable to the self-esteem-sapping rudeness often on offer in London.

And if I’m really honest my view goes a little deeper. Sorry, but I’m actually quite annoyed with the attitude of some Brits on this one: mostly because, having witnessed the communally-supportive and self-reinforcing way of American human exchange, I have noticed how exchanges on this side of The Pond tend to be geared the other way. So many times in London, people come away from those small exchanges a little damaged, or with their day made worse, when it would have been so easy to have created the opposite response.

Of course, I accept my own insecurities here: maybe I’m just too sensitive. But the difference between the US and the UK on this one (or at least the gap between the US, including New York, and London) is so stark that I cannot help thinking there is something damaging about the way many Brits interact at street level. While Americans seem to be expressing – however insincerely (though it is less insincere than most Brits assume) – their commonality, those street-hardened exchanges in London seem to be either reinforcing or resisting the imposition of hierarchy. There is a "chippiness" to many London interactions (from both corners) that is anything but communal.

This is not as daft as it sounds. Take the “thank you” exchange in any shop. Most receivers say “thank you” when handed something, even in London. But most American givers respond with an automatic “you’re welcome”. Indeed, our silence at this point is something else American visitors have to mentally navigate. Yet look deeper at the exchange and it might just be that Britain’s more divided society interprets the words “thank you” as an assertion of ascendency over someone lower down. It can be given, and is sometimes received, as a patronising put-down.

This may seem crazy but hang around Knightsbridge or Kensington long enough – or even the “C” suites in most major offices – and that’s exactly how it’s sometimes used. Old-fashioned master and servant relationships are, indeed, being reinforced by the simple use of the acknowledgement “thank you” – often over-used or exaggerated to underline the reinforcement (and I speak from experience here of both US and UK management styles).

So while “you’re welcome” in the States is the simple acknowledgement that we are equals in an exchange (usually money for goods or services, or courtesies for favours or considerations) – therefore reinforcing each other’s self-worth – “thank you” in the UK feels to many like a classist leftover based on the over-stated reinforcement of imposed hierarchical realities. Given this, little wonder the “you’re welcome” response is less than welcome in London.