A reload of articles (I still like) from the old blog.
Of all the barriers that kill our progress as High-FFs (those with a high fear of failure) the assumption of prejudice against us is probably the most powerful. No other assumption so effectively changes our behaviour – destroying our confidence, making us overly-sensitive and defensive and leading us to behave in ways that can confirm the perceived prejudice against us.
Nearly all High-FFs have a version of this that plays out in stressful situations. These are often the very situations that can make the biggest difference to our lives – moments when we need to impress, such as networking events, interviews, presentations, even social gatherings outside of our usual demographic. Yet the anxieties that such a situation generates heighten our sensitivities to signals – positive or negative – about how we are being judged, or pre-judged. And that makes us overly-aware of being judged on who we are rather than what we say or contribute.
Race, gender, class, size, abilities, age, nationality, sexuality – even hair-colour and beauty – can influence the way we are immediately perceived by others, meaning we become assessed by those traits rather than by the “content of our character” to use Martin Luther King’s memorable phrase in his “I have a dream” speech. This can sometimes appear to work in our favour – perhaps when with people that would judge our particular traits kindly. But in nearly all cases any such judgement is in fact detrimental to our long-term progress, at least if we want our contribution to be taken seriously.
Of course in his speech King was describing some of the most acute prejudice of the twentieth century – the appalling and openly-sanctioned discrimination endured by African-Americans, particularly in the southern US states. And it is discrimination by race that perhaps sets the benchmark with respect to prejudice. To be an Africa-American – especially in that time and place – is to experience a depth of discrimination that must weigh heavily on the external responses of those on the receiving end. How could a young African-American boy, for instance, approach a situation involving his white peers with anything other than fear, distrust and defensiveness given the history of abuse and violence resulting from similar exchanges down the generations? The perception of prejudice, in this case, has a strong grounding in reality, making any changes in behaviour brought about by it as a natural and protective response.
Yet that is the point about our perceptions of prejudice – they are often based on a solid grounding, hence the fact the High-FF so profoundly changes his or her behaviour when confronted with it or even when they perceive they are being confronted with it. Prejudice is real. The instinct triggered is, therefore, one of self-protection, whether in the physical or intellectual sense. We feel we are being attacked for who we are, so we need to defend ourselves. And this can make us act in distinctly defensive, unfriendly or even aggressive ways that can alienate everyone around us, not just our oppressors.
My own version of this is based on perceived class prejudice, which is as deeply-ingrained in the UK as race is in the US (if somewhat more subtle). As a lower-middle class boy “educated” at an under-performing secondary-modern turned comprehensive in Essex, I found my accent and manners very different to most of my contemporaries at university. And while at university in the 1980s era of identity politics this was no bad thing – even something to accentuate – in the London media industry after university it led me to feel insecure despite being as well-qualified for the posts I applied for (and sometimes won) as anyone else.
Wide-eyed from what I saw as my strength – getting a good degree from a good university despite my poor secondary education – I stumbled into situations where I was patronised, at best, and openly dismissed and humiliated at worst: and this at institutions that held themselves up as bastions of liberal progression. Of course, this radically changed my behaviour. I lost confidence, quietened down and became defensive. And I guess I developed what privileged people like to call a “chip on my shoulder” (an appalling statement when examined closely because – having judged and abused you on the basis of your background – you are even stripped of any legitimate feelings of resentment).
Yet such “chippiness” is a disaster for our progress – especially as we can develop better responses when dealing with prejudice: ones that can mitigate the potential damage to our progress from real or perceived (and therefore self-fulfilling) prejudice.
A key need is to develop a self-awareness of the changes in our behaviour caused by our perceptions of prejudice against us. And this is where we may need professional help. For instance a crucial psychological basis for our change in behaviour brought about by perceived prejudice is the phenomenon known as “impostor syndrome” in which we feel we have no legitimate right to be in a certain group or place. And while much is written on the subject, two psychologists stand out – Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes.
Their 1978 paper The Impostor Phenomenon Among High Achieving Women was the first to describe professionals – in their case women – who have reached significant intellectual milestones in their careers but who fail to feel internally confident when among their peers, often due to feelings of being poorly judged by associates on the basis of their gender.
“They consider themselves to be ‘impostors’,” they write. “Despite numerous outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience impostor phenomenon [they shy away from calling it a syndrome] persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. Numerous achievements, which one might expect to provide ample objective evidence of superior intellectual functioning, do not appear to affect the impostor belief.”
Imposter phenomenon, or IP as the professionals call it, is therefore a self-fulfilling condition because our perceptions of prejudice cause us to develop poor self-judgements with respect to our suitability to be treated as an equal, which – in turn – leads to behaviour that may confirm such prejudice. And while IP was discovered in professional women – perhaps obviously given the dominance of men in so many professions (especially in the 1970s) – most psychologists now recognise it can impact anyone who communicates with apparent intellectual peers and yet feels insecure due to who they are, despite having earned their place through strong achievements.
So can High-FFs counteract the impact of IP and other behavioural changes brought about by perceptions of prejudice – especially if, as stated, prejudice is ingrained in our society? In my opinion, yes. Here are 10 steps that can prevent us from being derailed by prejudice in social or inter-active settings.
1) While the wider fight against prejudice is both legitimate and to be applauded it belongs in what Stephen Covey in the Seven Habit of Highly Effective People calls our “circle of concern” rather than our “circle of influence”. This means that, while it obviously impacts our progress, it is beyond our control. High-FFs must operate within their “circle of influence” – changing what can be changed and ignoring what can’t. Remember this.
2) We must also remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote: “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. Of course, this is easy to say but less easy to feel. But we should nonetheless say it.
3) Prior to any inter-action that may generate prejudice against us we should first calculate what we want from the situation. What is our objective here? Then focus purely on achieving that objective. Every conversation should have this at the forefront of our mind rather than any desperate calculation regarding how we are being received. This puts us on the front foot, regardless of who we are talking to.
4) Indeed, we should judge any situation against our long term objectives. Are these being advanced, in whatever sense? And if we have no long-term objectives: develop some.
5) Dress conservatively. If you are trying to be provocative – fine. But it’s then a tad unfair to blame people for pre-judging you on your appearances. My advice is to signal your desire to fit in by dressing within the norms of the situation.
6) Prepare an opening line or two about who you are. This should be a positive but not boastful description that states firmly your legitimacy, although is not defensive. In the UK at least, err on the side of modesty, although beware over-doing self-deprecation: given the prejudice it may be taken literally.
7) Smile. Look happy, even if you feel far from happy. Even if you are nervous as hell and are hating every minute. Fake it. Sporting a scowl will confirm their worst prejudices about you, while seeing a smiling face will make everyone assume you are “happy in your skin” and that you are worth knowing. Being funny is even better – but, again, don’t go overboard, especially in a formal setting such as an interview. Your aim is to be taken seriously, don’t forget, so providing wit and amusement is preferred to playing the clown.
8) Put people at their ease. There is just a chance that the person you feel is being prejudiced against you is simply nervous of talking to someone “different” to them. They may feel they have nothing to say that could be of interest to you, so take the initiative and be interested in them – relaxing them by getting the conversation on their ground. Could it be that their own insecurities are making them appear offish? There’s no harm in assuming so.
9) Prejudice can feel isolating (that is part of its intention) but anyone perceiving prejudice is unlikely to be alone. Seek out others that may be feeling the same way, but don’t seek to recruit them. Expressing relief at finding someone “normal” is as far as you should go – and even then only after a strong bond is established from neutral conversation.
10) We must develop a kinder outlook for those that may have a prejudice against us. All prejudice is ignorance after all, and they will have their own pressures and hierarchies to be concerned about. In fact, it may be their lowly self-perceptions that underpin their prejudices – i.e. they feel threatened.
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