A key theme in my forthcoming book What’s Stopping You? (TBP 2011) is the notion that many people that suffer from insecurities and fears then go on to become what I call “preaching motivational converts” after they have “seen the light” or have been “born again”.
And while I realise writing a book on the subject of fear of failure (as well as other insecurities halting our progress) opens me to the charge of hypocrisy, there is a difference – honest! The core thesis of What’s Stopping You? is that the near-consensus of opinion among psychologists is that our fears are innate and cannot therefore be swapped for a headlong rush in the other direction. If you have fear of failure now, you will always have it, which is the bad news.
The good news is that, once we realise this – and the fact what I call the “monkey on my back” is coming with us – we can make strong progress in our lives. Become aware of our insecurities and the behaviours they drive and progress is possible – dealing with that monkey’s negativity as we go. Deny he is there – perhaps via some quick-fix “cure” that is potentially a deeper form of self-denial – and a terrible reckoning may await, at least in my view.
A core secondary element of this concerns how we focus on others as we make progress. Once enlightened, it is easy to see insecurities and mental failings in the behaviours and speech of everyone we meet. And we may even be tempted to start offering unsolicited advice, even to strangers. I’ve been on the receiving end of such advice on several occasions and it is pretty irritating – hence my view that once we are “recovering” from insecurities such as high fear of failure (and I’m deliberately making the comparison with “recovering” alcoholics who have to face up to their addiction at every meeting no matter how long they have been sober) we should avoid such preaching because it is both annoying and unsustainable.
Why write this now? Because I have sinned in this respect – falling short of my own standards I am afraid. And it was on this blog: the Twitter-virus enforced shutdown of which has given me time to reflect and to consider what I want to reload. Hence my repentance below.
First up were my two posts on NLP. This may seem odd, given that one reading of the above can be seen as an attack on neuro-linguistic programming, or at least the quick-fix excesses on its fringes. But I now realise that I drifted into the very preaching I was arguing against. NLP has helped millions of people gain confidence, so who am I to criticise, simply because the joy and comfort it brings to so many can result in the occasional convert making uncalled-for observations about my, yes absolutely, insecure behaviour?
SORRY.
Those two posts generated some pretty heated reaction from people who have obviously benefited from NLP. And they are right – to start lecturing people for lecturing people is wrong, so I’ll lecture myself instead. Lecturing others is an annoying trait whoever delivers it, and no matter what it is about. The point of “recovery” is to focus on our own behaviour – no one else’s. And that means even holding our tongue when being told of our insecurities by someone that has clearly “seen the light” via NLP or any other form of self improvement. What’s Stopping You? is NOT condemning NLP – in fact it borrows a lot from it. And I shouldn’t have lapsed into the very trait I was criticising.
Second (of three) concerns a post on an unidentified woman at a party – with, again, me stating that our less-than-satisfactory exchange was based on both her insecurities and mine. Yet how could I possibly know? I was simply interpreting her behaviour. I was not inside her mind. Sure, I knew what I was thinking – my insecurities had been triggered. But how could I possibly know what was driving her speech and behaviour? Of course, I was simply offering an opinion, not stating facts. But it was an opinion based on prejudice – that I had some predetermined idea of what was driving her behaviour. I didn’t.
SORRY.
Indeed, my reaction to that episode is a majorly significant moment in my recovery as a High-FF (what I call those with a high fear of failure). Her responses to me triggered a negative response from me based on my insecurities. Previously, that negative response would have been anger, followed by depression, followed by remorse, or potentially withdrawal, followed by depression, followed by anger. The more “enlightened” me, however, responds by looking for the insecurities in her. Yet this supposedly better response is the more dishonest – I haven’t dealt with my insecurities, just reflected them back to her, no matter how wide of the mark that may be. And while we could say, who cares, at least my insecurities have been dealt with, such deep self-denial is a long way from recovery or any attempt at recovery, in my opinion.
The final charge concerns my thoughts on “snake oil salesmen” in the motivational industry. In fact I was merely chiming along with an article in The Economist on this subject, as well as my own rationalism and scepticism regarding such practices as hypnotism and acupuncture. In reality, the key for the recovering High-FF is self-awareness regarding the appalling and self-destructive way we have judged the world around us up until now. For each of us there is a “wake up” moment that is tremendously enlightening. It is the moment we realise that our confusion and fears regarding the world is not some unique personal hell, but a mental condition that most probably started in early-childhood based on traumas (big and small) and our reactions to them. Perhaps without us realising it, these fears have grown into major phobias in adulthood that have stopped our progress, or at least hampered it.
My own “wake up” moment came from a casual reading of Anthony Robbins – a cheesy American motivational guru that is heavily influenced by NLP and also uses hypnotism and other methods that I now feel inappropriate for my own recovery. Yet Robbins started me on a journey that has – from good experiences and bad as well as from deep research with psychologists and self-help gurus – led me to a better place. But that journey was unique to me.
As I state in the introduction to the book, High-FFs need a map in order to chart their progress, but that only they can draw that map – it is a personal journey with its own rivers to cross and jungles to penetrate. What’s on that map, and where that map takes them, is 100 percent up to them. Robbins was an early landmark on mine and he remains an important source for the book, being quoted throughout. If others have hypnotism or some other methodology that wasn’t right for me but has worked for them, good. While I maintain my view on quick-fix solutions, seeking a solution – any solution – is probably the most important step anyone can take.
As Stephen Covey (another American motivational guru, although less cheesy than Robbins) states, “without pro-activity we are lost”. With it we’ll eventually find our way. The journey’s the point – not the mode of transport, the route or the stopping points on the way. So stop preaching.
SORRY.
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