There’s one box on the Facebook profile that’s always bothers me: favourite quotations. I never know what to put. Listing loads looks like I’m trying too hard but narrowing it down to one may make me look too intense – as if it’s a mantra for my every move.
Yet I do like quotations. They summarize great truths in a memorable phrase, making them far more influential than entire books written on similar subjects. If life comes down to a few moments (to quote Bud Fox in the original Wall Street), then – indeed – our beliefs come down to a few quotes, usually pithily summarized by famous or historical figures.
So what are mine? Given that I count myself as a recovering High-FF (someone overcoming fear of failure), here are four that I find myself quoting more than others.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” Eleanor Roosevelt (former U.S. first lady). I like this because it states that we are responsible for our feelings – especially with regards to our self beliefs. We must take responsibility for our inner reactions, even to insults.
We are all insulted from time-to-time but it normally says far more about the insulter than the insulted – unless we let it. Of course, this is easier said than done. Insults, or even unintentional slights, can cut us to the core because, so often, we feel they contain a grain of truth. If our self beliefs are negative we are bound to treat insults as confirmations, while ignoring or mistrusting flattery. Yet Roosevelt is simply pointing out that it is our reaction that matters here, not the insult itself (which may have even been unintentional).
“Don't regret not doing something, regret doing it,” Terry Venables (former England football coach). Terry was an Essex lad with West End tastes, and this may sometimes have led him astray. But it more often led him towards achieving his goals. The key is he took action. Sure he made mistakes but his regrets were based on his actions, not his inactions.
I can certainly empathise with this. My first book, published in 2000, contains some passages that make me cringe with embarrassment every time I’m reminded of them. Indeed, my mother, who read a proof, warned me that I’d end up regretting the book if I allowed it to be published. She was right, of course. But the other voice in my head – the one saying that what I’d really regret is turning aside the chance to fulfil my ambition of becoming a published author – was more right.
Life often comes down to decisions between action and inaction: change versus the status quo. All Venables is saying is that the worst form of regret is the “if only” retrospective. Mistakes made are far better than opportunities lost – at least if we want to make progress in our life.
In the end, even my cringe at some of the content of my previous book soon turns to a smile. What was I thinking? I say to myself, and then inwardly chuckle – having learnt the lesson that I need to be aware that what I write today will matter tomorrow. If I’d listened to my mother, however, my frustration at the lost opportunity would have been unbearable.
“KBO (keep buggering on),” Winston Churchill (former UK PM). This became his motto during what his biographers termed the wilderness years of the 1930s. From the backbenches of the House of Commons he tried to warn the world of the dangers of Nazism while the war-weary democracies ignored him, even seeing him as a warmonger (a charge that returned after the war). Yet he also used it during the bleak years of the 1940s with Britain being bombed nightly by a seemingly-invincible enemy.
In both cases it captures the mood perfectly. Emboldened by his inner beliefs and convictions, the phrase allowed Churchill to keep going despite numerous setbacks and humiliations. After each knock Churchill would pick himself up, dust himself down, learn the lesson, mutter "KBO" and move on – no less convinced of the inalienable truth of his cause.
In fact Churchill coined many memorable quotations during his extraordinary life (although modern revisionists lacking Churchill’s originality of thought like to claim he stole some of them). How about this one to enrich his KBO theme: “If you are going through hell, keep going”. As with KBO, it recognises the struggle. The pain is acknowledged, as is the difficulty. Nonetheless, the only allowable response is to, indeed, keep going.
“Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser,” Alan Hansen (former footballer and current TV football pundit). This is perhaps an unusual one to include because it smacks of the school “Jock” lording it over his weedier peers. The phrase is, indeed, laced with testosterone but that’s just one interpretation – and certainly the one I would have chosen in previous years. Now it tells me that I must have fight. That I cannot be a pacifist in my own endeavours.
Frustration is a key “action signal”, as "life-change" guru Anthony Robbins would say. If we feel like a loser – that life is unfair and has gone against us - that we are capable of more and better but that our luck or timing was out, then, in fact, those are good feelings because they can be converted into action. The worst response – at least for our progress – is to shrug and smile and console ourselves that the other guy was probably more deserving anyway. No he/she wasn’t. It was indeed unfair. We were cheated. The result was a travesty.
Convert that anger into energy, point that energy in the right direction, pull the trigger – and GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!
Showing posts with label Eleanor Roosevelt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eleanor Roosevelt. Show all posts
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Can the short guy get the girl? Not if he hates himself
On the tube back to the office I pick up a discarded copy of The Sun newspaper and turned to what’s always my favourite section – the Dear Deirdre problems page. These are normally mildly titillating but the agonies of one 19-year old male struck home. He was confessing his hatred of his 5’ 6” height – stating it had become a major disadvantage in his social life. While his friends were out clubbing and chatting to the opposite sex, he had lost confidence and now avoided social situations – concerned he’d be rejected by females or even laughed at.
Deirdre’s response was that, at 19, he may still grow and that he should seek counselling to explore why his height had caused him to lose confidence. This seemed inadequate to me – almost a dismissal. So could this 5’8” 40-something male do any better? I could try.
1) First the bad news. Sure, you may yet grow, but you may not. In fact, your loss of confidence is perhaps a natural response to the realisation that this may be it in terms of height. It is also the right response – denial or fantasizing is ridiculous. You are at least seeing the reality and facing your demons, even if – at the moment – you hate what you are seeing (stick with me here, it gets better).
2) Does it matter? Yes, it does. Most women are naturally attracted to men considerably taller than themselves – so your pool of available females is reduced. And it will also have an impact in your career – taller men do tend to generate a confidence in others that means they are more successful. Yet don’t despair. Over time, this in-built disadvantage will disappear – I promise – as long as you take the right path now.
3) At 19, low stature is, indeed, agony. Yet the male trait that – in my experience – women tend to most admire in men is not height but confidence. And it’s height that gives men the confidence to approach women in social situations. But so does money and power – hence those assets also being an aphrodisiac, at least to the men (BTW: I’m keen to emphasise that I'm stating the truth as I see it, not passing judgement on whether society is right in its evaluations). As a 19-year old you are unlikely to have much money or power, however, so the key confidence-building asset at this stage is your looks, of which stature is probably the most significant. Yet now is the winter of your discontent – things will improve.
4) First up is aging. Height makes you look older, which will be a disadvantage for far longer than the 10 or so years in which it’s an advantage. People age at different speeds and, from about 30 onwards, shorter men tend to look significantly younger than their taller peers. Also, even physically, older men are judged on far more than their height. Hair for instance – losing your hair is no respecter of height or looks (notice Prince William). Weight is another example. Staying trim is totally in your power and is more and more appreciated by potential partners as we all fill-out from about 30 onwards. Avoiding smoking, excessive alcohol and drugs-use is another way of retaining your youthful looks. And this is all to your long-term advantage – success as a nightclubbing teenager can easily result in excessive hedonism that, by 30, will have taken a major physical toll. Your failures in this environment, therefore, may stand you in good stead over time.
5) Yet it’s the zone beyond the physical where you can really prosper. In just a few years from now your height will have little significance – especially with respect to your interaction with women. At your age, few people are settling into longer-term relationships so the whole game feels like an episode of 90210 or Hollyoaks. Yet this phase is short-lived and, soon-enough, flings will start converting into longer-term relationships that require a totally different set of attributes. Honesty, commitment, humour, tolerance - all are traits required for successful long-term relationships. Meanwhile the good-looking tall guy may have developed alternative traits – including arrogance, vanity and selfishness – that become increasingly ugly to women seeking a soul mate (even if those traits looked initially attractive). Of course, not all tall men develop these traits – but my experience is that those relying solely on their height often do.
6) This also works in your career. Tall-guys may initially prosper because they look the part and, given their success, soon act the part. Yet careers are a marathon not a sprint. And “winging it” based on first impressions becomes less of an option as we progress. Diligence, preparation and endeavour are far more important traits over the long term and the short guy – needing to overcome his inbuilt disadvantage – is often the most diligent and best prepared person in the room (except perhaps for female executives or others who also perceive barriers to their progress based on judgements other than their competence). So the lesson here is not to sulk and get angry, but to get organised and work hard. Ex-chancellor Nigel Lawson used to invest in companies where the CEO (if male) was 5’8” or shorter because he knew that, in order for that man to get to that seniority, he had to be that much better than his rivals. Of course, talented tall men also prosper (probably more so) but the bluff of mere height is eventually exposed, I promise, making the workplace much more of an even playing field over time.
7) Yet the above stated benefits are all to come. What can I say that can help you now? Plenty. First up is the fact you may be socializing in the wrong place. Flashy and noisy nightclubs and bars are geared towards purely physical judgements – just look at the trouble women have to go to in order to compete in such an environment! At your age I lived in Essex – land of the glamour nightspots and shallow vanities. Once at university in Manchester, however, the whole scene changed to one where I was judged on my personality rather than my appearance. My height insecurities disappeared. So if you are being judged for your height – and it is frustrating you – then my guess is you are too intelligent for your current environment. See your hurt as an “action signal” for finding a better place where judgements are not so skin deep. And it may also be worth remembering that the whole nightclub scenario – boy approaches girl and tries to chat her up – is a total pain for all but the shallowest female. Worthy partners will not appreciate the nightclub pick-up because they’ll assume you’re yet another jerk playing the numbers game. So don’t be that jerk. My advice is to avoid those places like the plague and instead look for a social life where some form of verbal inter-action is at least possible: not least because the women you meet will be a lot nicer.
8) Develop your personality. Clearly, your height concerns are making you miserable. Yet the key thing to remember is that it’s your reaction that’s unattractive – not you physically. Short guys are always getting the girl: self-haters, sulkers and depressives, meanwhile, will only attract others with the same insecurities. Along with confidence, most women absolutely love a cheeky smile and a joke. Yet both are impossible if you’re so focused on the potential downside of your height. Short men that respond by developing a strong personality are at a fantastic advantage (although, again, not in a flashy nightclub). For instance, nearly all comedians are below average height. Yet few have problems when it comes to attracting partners.
9) Never ever wear anything to make you taller – such as high-heels or lifts. They will ultimately compound your insecurities. However, you can help overcome disadvantages by being well dressed. Just as the 1960s Mods were determined to wear better suits than their bosses, so you should become sartorially more skilled than your taller rivals. I don’t mean “frontal lobotomy” designer crap. I mean Trinny & Susannah awareness of what works for you and an attention to detail in this respect. With hair and general grooming also, don’t overdo it but get it right. Invest in your look – but do the research first
10) Finally, remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. You may need to reframe your view of the jibes and insults you receive. Just as you have about your height, nearly everyone has some insecurity that eats away at them even if they are good at hiding it. This is mostly revealed by put downs of others or joy at another’s misfortune. I once met a very confident short man and asked him if he was ever bothered by negative comments about his height. “What! You mean those comments from insecure tall men?” he said. “That’s just them revealing their inadequacies.” It took me years to realise the fundamental truth of this but, I now accept this as a statement of fact: if the only thing going for you is your height, you knock the short guy as a way of trying to impose your warped view of hierarchy. A classic example of this was the recent spat between French President Nicholas Sarkozy (5’5”) and his rival, the upper class Dominique de Villepin (6’3”). Beaten to the presidency by the shorter man, de Villepin took to referring to him as “the dwarf”. Yet, despite some very real concerns about Sarkozy’s treatment of his rival, such bitterness backfired on Villepin. Not only did it reveal him as an insecure loser, it gave the whole of France a strong clue as to why he probably lost (Sarkozy’s main rival now is the 5’7” Dominique Strauss-Kahn). Through diligence, endeavour and organisation, Sarkozy turned his height disadvantage into a major driver for his ambition – not least with respect to winning the girl.
Deirdre’s response was that, at 19, he may still grow and that he should seek counselling to explore why his height had caused him to lose confidence. This seemed inadequate to me – almost a dismissal. So could this 5’8” 40-something male do any better? I could try.
1) First the bad news. Sure, you may yet grow, but you may not. In fact, your loss of confidence is perhaps a natural response to the realisation that this may be it in terms of height. It is also the right response – denial or fantasizing is ridiculous. You are at least seeing the reality and facing your demons, even if – at the moment – you hate what you are seeing (stick with me here, it gets better).
2) Does it matter? Yes, it does. Most women are naturally attracted to men considerably taller than themselves – so your pool of available females is reduced. And it will also have an impact in your career – taller men do tend to generate a confidence in others that means they are more successful. Yet don’t despair. Over time, this in-built disadvantage will disappear – I promise – as long as you take the right path now.
3) At 19, low stature is, indeed, agony. Yet the male trait that – in my experience – women tend to most admire in men is not height but confidence. And it’s height that gives men the confidence to approach women in social situations. But so does money and power – hence those assets also being an aphrodisiac, at least to the men (BTW: I’m keen to emphasise that I'm stating the truth as I see it, not passing judgement on whether society is right in its evaluations). As a 19-year old you are unlikely to have much money or power, however, so the key confidence-building asset at this stage is your looks, of which stature is probably the most significant. Yet now is the winter of your discontent – things will improve.
4) First up is aging. Height makes you look older, which will be a disadvantage for far longer than the 10 or so years in which it’s an advantage. People age at different speeds and, from about 30 onwards, shorter men tend to look significantly younger than their taller peers. Also, even physically, older men are judged on far more than their height. Hair for instance – losing your hair is no respecter of height or looks (notice Prince William). Weight is another example. Staying trim is totally in your power and is more and more appreciated by potential partners as we all fill-out from about 30 onwards. Avoiding smoking, excessive alcohol and drugs-use is another way of retaining your youthful looks. And this is all to your long-term advantage – success as a nightclubbing teenager can easily result in excessive hedonism that, by 30, will have taken a major physical toll. Your failures in this environment, therefore, may stand you in good stead over time.
5) Yet it’s the zone beyond the physical where you can really prosper. In just a few years from now your height will have little significance – especially with respect to your interaction with women. At your age, few people are settling into longer-term relationships so the whole game feels like an episode of 90210 or Hollyoaks. Yet this phase is short-lived and, soon-enough, flings will start converting into longer-term relationships that require a totally different set of attributes. Honesty, commitment, humour, tolerance - all are traits required for successful long-term relationships. Meanwhile the good-looking tall guy may have developed alternative traits – including arrogance, vanity and selfishness – that become increasingly ugly to women seeking a soul mate (even if those traits looked initially attractive). Of course, not all tall men develop these traits – but my experience is that those relying solely on their height often do.
6) This also works in your career. Tall-guys may initially prosper because they look the part and, given their success, soon act the part. Yet careers are a marathon not a sprint. And “winging it” based on first impressions becomes less of an option as we progress. Diligence, preparation and endeavour are far more important traits over the long term and the short guy – needing to overcome his inbuilt disadvantage – is often the most diligent and best prepared person in the room (except perhaps for female executives or others who also perceive barriers to their progress based on judgements other than their competence). So the lesson here is not to sulk and get angry, but to get organised and work hard. Ex-chancellor Nigel Lawson used to invest in companies where the CEO (if male) was 5’8” or shorter because he knew that, in order for that man to get to that seniority, he had to be that much better than his rivals. Of course, talented tall men also prosper (probably more so) but the bluff of mere height is eventually exposed, I promise, making the workplace much more of an even playing field over time.
7) Yet the above stated benefits are all to come. What can I say that can help you now? Plenty. First up is the fact you may be socializing in the wrong place. Flashy and noisy nightclubs and bars are geared towards purely physical judgements – just look at the trouble women have to go to in order to compete in such an environment! At your age I lived in Essex – land of the glamour nightspots and shallow vanities. Once at university in Manchester, however, the whole scene changed to one where I was judged on my personality rather than my appearance. My height insecurities disappeared. So if you are being judged for your height – and it is frustrating you – then my guess is you are too intelligent for your current environment. See your hurt as an “action signal” for finding a better place where judgements are not so skin deep. And it may also be worth remembering that the whole nightclub scenario – boy approaches girl and tries to chat her up – is a total pain for all but the shallowest female. Worthy partners will not appreciate the nightclub pick-up because they’ll assume you’re yet another jerk playing the numbers game. So don’t be that jerk. My advice is to avoid those places like the plague and instead look for a social life where some form of verbal inter-action is at least possible: not least because the women you meet will be a lot nicer.
8) Develop your personality. Clearly, your height concerns are making you miserable. Yet the key thing to remember is that it’s your reaction that’s unattractive – not you physically. Short guys are always getting the girl: self-haters, sulkers and depressives, meanwhile, will only attract others with the same insecurities. Along with confidence, most women absolutely love a cheeky smile and a joke. Yet both are impossible if you’re so focused on the potential downside of your height. Short men that respond by developing a strong personality are at a fantastic advantage (although, again, not in a flashy nightclub). For instance, nearly all comedians are below average height. Yet few have problems when it comes to attracting partners.
9) Never ever wear anything to make you taller – such as high-heels or lifts. They will ultimately compound your insecurities. However, you can help overcome disadvantages by being well dressed. Just as the 1960s Mods were determined to wear better suits than their bosses, so you should become sartorially more skilled than your taller rivals. I don’t mean “frontal lobotomy” designer crap. I mean Trinny & Susannah awareness of what works for you and an attention to detail in this respect. With hair and general grooming also, don’t overdo it but get it right. Invest in your look – but do the research first
10) Finally, remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. You may need to reframe your view of the jibes and insults you receive. Just as you have about your height, nearly everyone has some insecurity that eats away at them even if they are good at hiding it. This is mostly revealed by put downs of others or joy at another’s misfortune. I once met a very confident short man and asked him if he was ever bothered by negative comments about his height. “What! You mean those comments from insecure tall men?” he said. “That’s just them revealing their inadequacies.” It took me years to realise the fundamental truth of this but, I now accept this as a statement of fact: if the only thing going for you is your height, you knock the short guy as a way of trying to impose your warped view of hierarchy. A classic example of this was the recent spat between French President Nicholas Sarkozy (5’5”) and his rival, the upper class Dominique de Villepin (6’3”). Beaten to the presidency by the shorter man, de Villepin took to referring to him as “the dwarf”. Yet, despite some very real concerns about Sarkozy’s treatment of his rival, such bitterness backfired on Villepin. Not only did it reveal him as an insecure loser, it gave the whole of France a strong clue as to why he probably lost (Sarkozy’s main rival now is the 5’7” Dominique Strauss-Kahn). Through diligence, endeavour and organisation, Sarkozy turned his height disadvantage into a major driver for his ambition – not least with respect to winning the girl.
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