January’s gone and I’ve yet to renew my diary, always a concern in case I cannot find my preferred style. Yes, I write a diary – and would recommend the same to anyone: especially anyone trying to overcome insecurities such as fear of failure. Indeed, just about every self-help book on the shelf (including What’s Stopping You? – my own due out in April by Wiley/Capstone) insists you start a diary (or journal, if we want to be more American about it) - as does CBT, NLP and any other progress-related methodology.
I started a diary in 2002. Fed up with being fed up, I wondered whether my moods were altered by my diet and had started jotting down notes in a page-per-week diary sent by a supplier. I’d even started testing my moods against the time of day, days of the week, seasons and even the phases of the moon (easy in the better diaries). Soon, I was no longer just writing “mood” but adding descriptions such as “anxiety” or “irritation”, or even “elation” or “contentment”.
Quickly, my page-per-week diary couldn’t cope. I bought an A5 page-per-day diary and started writing it all down. I was soon addicted. I found that recording my moods helped to rationalise them. Neural hijackings (the instant impact on our brain and reasoning of negative incidents, causing us to react emotionally rather than rationally) still happened, of course – and were still unwelcome. But they seemed to dissipate almost as soon as I’d starting writing about them in my diary, although the pen indentations on the page still attest to the state I can get myself into.
Indeed, diaries need to be practical if they are not to be reduced to the pubescent nonsense of our youth. So what should we include? Just my experience, but the following seems to work:
Moods – any episodes of anger, depression, frustration, hurt. The aim is to be as explicit as possible and to record our feelings at the time. So if we felt something like: “that Johnson’s done it again – he’s stolen my idea the totally brainless idiot who couldn’t have a single unique thought of his own but will probably end up my boss arrrgghhhhhh” then that’s what we write down. Yet it may also help to leave a space underneath for a more reflective comment. This could range from “it turns out Johnson told the boss it was my idea. He is a good guy, so why was my first reaction so angry?” to “I need to get Johnson onside. My feelings towards him are irrational and undermining me – my move” to “I’m still angry about this but thank God the anger only appeared here and wasn’t shouted across the entire fifth floor”.
Obstacles – No matter how prepared you are,” says Anthony Robbins, author of Awaken the Giant Within, “you are going to hit a few rocks along the river of life”. The diary is the place to record these rocks and try and formulate a way around them. Just writing problems down can create a clarity-of-thought that removes the emotional clutter.
Goals – not just the big stuff (which are perfect for the Notes section at the back) but the next steps that help us make progress towards those goals (annually renewed of course). In fact this is the most important aspect of the diary – making our diary the key tool for recording those small, positive, victory-by-victory building blocks of achievement. High-FFs (those with high fear of failure and my target audience for What’s Stopping You?) need to create a map to chart their progress. Our diary is that map.
Results – how did the next step go? Did the call get the result you wanted? Yes, how come? What’s next? No, why? What went wrong? Again, what’s next? How do we get passed this setback?
Controlling displacement activity – I used to record my alcohol units. Then I realized I was drinking too much and used the diary to record progress towards keeping my in-take to my weekly limit. When this kept failing I gave up drinking and now put a zero in that corner every day. Too much time on the internet or watching TV is also recorded – again with an admonishment.
Self-flagellation – anyone reading my diary (heaven forbid – this is the most private of documents) would be shocked at how hard I am on myself. Yet that’s the point. High-FFs beat themselves up all the time. I’m not asking we stop beating ourselves up – just that we do it constructively. Any beatings need to involve a “lessons learnt” element as well as practical next steps.
Self-congratulation – but also record the triumphs. I use a tick system to note what I am pleased with. The creation of new, more positive, neural pathways in the brain involves tiny steps taken in the right direction. Over time, this will build our confidence and move us towards a better place. It’s an exciting journey but it must be recorded if the steps taken are to lead anywhere sustainable.
Experiences – I love rereading my diary from my wedding day, or when my first son was born, or the crazy day my second son was born and my first son ended up in hospital. It has helped me record the ups and downs of my life and cured me from that horrible High-FF habit of looking back and only seeing the bad stuff. I can honestly say that the years since starting my diary have been the best of my life – and I think writing a diary helped me not only remember that but realize it.
And if you think writing a diary embarrassing or cheesy or a bit angst-ridden and adolescent: get over it and write the diary anyway. It’s the single most transformative action I have ever taken.
No comments:
Post a Comment