Can the short guy get the girl? Not if he hates himself

On the tube back to the office I pick up a discarded copy of The Sun newspaper and turned to what’s always my favourite section – the Dear Deirdre problems page. These are normally mildly titillating but the agonies of one 19-year old male struck home. He was confessing his hatred of his 5’ 6” height – stating it had become a major disadvantage in his social life. While his friends were out clubbing and chatting to the opposite sex, he had lost confidence and now avoided social situations – concerned he’d be rejected by females or even laughed at.

Deirdre’s response was that, at 19, he may still grow and that he should seek counselling to explore why his height had caused him to lose confidence. This seemed inadequate to me – almost a dismissal. So could this 5’8” 40-something male do any better? I could try.

1) First the bad news. Sure, you may yet grow, but you may not. In fact, your loss of confidence is perhaps a natural response to the realisation that this may be it in terms of height. It is also the right response – denial or fantasizing is ridiculous. You are at least seeing the reality and facing your demons, even if – at the moment – you hate what you are seeing (stick with me here, it gets better).

2) Does it matter? Yes, it does. Most women are naturally attracted to men considerably taller than themselves – so your pool of available females is reduced. And it will also have an impact in your career – taller men do tend to generate a confidence in others that means they are more successful. Yet don’t despair. Over time, this in-built disadvantage will disappear – I promise – as long as you take the right path now.

3) At 19, low stature is, indeed, agony. Yet the male trait that – in my experience – women tend to most admire in men is not height but confidence. And it’s height that gives men the confidence to approach women in social situations. But so does money and power – hence those assets also being an aphrodisiac, at least to the men (BTW: I’m keen to emphasise that I'm stating the truth as I see it, not passing judgement on whether society is right in its evaluations). As a 19-year old you are unlikely to have much money or power, however, so the key confidence-building asset at this stage is your looks, of which stature is probably the most significant. Yet now is the winter of your discontent – things will improve.

4) First up is aging. Height makes you look older, which will be a disadvantage for far longer than the 10 or so years in which it’s an advantage. People age at different speeds and, from about 30 onwards, shorter men tend to look significantly younger than their taller peers. Also, even physically, older men are judged on far more than their height. Hair for instance – losing your hair is no respecter of height or looks (notice Prince William). Weight is another example. Staying trim is totally in your power and is more and more appreciated by potential partners as we all fill-out from about 30 onwards. Avoiding smoking, excessive alcohol and drugs-use is another way of retaining your youthful looks. And this is all to your long-term advantage – success as a nightclubbing teenager can easily result in excessive hedonism that, by 30, will have taken a major physical toll. Your failures in this environment, therefore, may stand you in good stead over time.

5) Yet it’s the zone beyond the physical where you can really prosper. In just a few years from now your height will have little significance – especially with respect to your interaction with women. At your age, few people are settling into longer-term relationships so the whole game feels like an episode of 90210 or Hollyoaks. Yet this phase is short-lived and, soon-enough, flings will start converting into longer-term relationships that require a totally different set of attributes. Honesty, commitment, humour, tolerance - all are traits required for successful long-term relationships. Meanwhile the good-looking tall guy may have developed alternative traits – including arrogance, vanity and selfishness – that become increasingly ugly to women seeking a soul mate (even if those traits looked initially attractive). Of course, not all tall men develop these traits – but my experience is that those relying solely on their height often do.

6) This also works in your career. Tall-guys may initially prosper because they look the part and, given their success, soon act the part. Yet careers are a marathon not a sprint. And “winging it” based on first impressions becomes less of an option as we progress. Diligence, preparation and endeavour are far more important traits over the long term and the short guy – needing to overcome his inbuilt disadvantage – is often the most diligent and best prepared person in the room (except perhaps for female executives or others who also perceive barriers to their progress based on judgements other than their competence). So the lesson here is not to sulk and get angry, but to get organised and work hard. Ex-chancellor Nigel Lawson used to invest in companies where the CEO (if male) was 5’8” or shorter because he knew that, in order for that man to get to that seniority, he had to be that much better than his rivals. Of course, talented tall men also prosper (probably more so) but the bluff of mere height is eventually exposed, I promise, making the workplace much more of an even playing field over time.

7) Yet the above stated benefits are all to come. What can I say that can help you now? Plenty. First up is the fact you may be socializing in the wrong place. Flashy and noisy nightclubs and bars are geared towards purely physical judgements – just look at the trouble women have to go to in order to compete in such an environment! At your age I lived in Essex – land of the glamour nightspots and shallow vanities. Once at university in Manchester, however, the whole scene changed to one where I was judged on my personality rather than my appearance. My height insecurities disappeared. So if you are being judged for your height – and it is frustrating you – then my guess is you are too intelligent for your current environment. See your hurt as an “action signal” for finding a better place where judgements are not so skin deep. And it may also be worth remembering that the whole nightclub scenario – boy approaches girl and tries to chat her up – is a total pain for all but the shallowest female. Worthy partners will not appreciate the nightclub pick-up because they’ll assume you’re yet another jerk playing the numbers game. So don’t be that jerk. My advice is to avoid those places like the plague and instead look for a social life where some form of verbal inter-action is at least possible: not least because the women you meet will be a lot nicer.

8) Develop your personality. Clearly, your height concerns are making you miserable. Yet the key thing to remember is that it’s your reaction that’s unattractive – not you physically. Short guys are always getting the girl: self-haters, sulkers and depressives, meanwhile, will only attract others with the same insecurities. Along with confidence, most women absolutely love a cheeky smile and a joke. Yet both are impossible if you’re so focused on the potential downside of your height. Short men that respond by developing a strong personality are at a fantastic advantage (although, again, not in a flashy nightclub). For instance, nearly all comedians are below average height. Yet few have problems when it comes to attracting partners.

9) Never ever wear anything to make you taller – such as high-heels or lifts. They will ultimately compound your insecurities. However, you can help overcome disadvantages by being well dressed. Just as the 1960s Mods were determined to wear better suits than their bosses, so you should become sartorially more skilled than your taller rivals. I don’t mean “frontal lobotomy” designer crap. I mean Trinny & Susannah awareness of what works for you and an attention to detail in this respect. With hair and general grooming also, don’t overdo it but get it right. Invest in your look – but do the research first

10) Finally, remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. You may need to reframe your view of the jibes and insults you receive. Just as you have about your height, nearly everyone has some insecurity that eats away at them even if they are good at hiding it. This is mostly revealed by put downs of others or joy at another’s misfortune. I once met a very confident short man and asked him if he was ever bothered by negative comments about his height. “What! You mean those comments from insecure tall men?” he said. “That’s just them revealing their inadequacies.” It took me years to realise the fundamental truth of this but, I now accept this as a statement of fact: if the only thing going for you is your height, you knock the short guy as a way of trying to impose your warped view of hierarchy. A classic example of this was the recent spat between French President Nicholas Sarkozy (5’5”) and his rival, the upper class Dominique de Villepin (6’3”). Beaten to the presidency by the shorter man, de Villepin took to referring to him as “the dwarf”. Yet, despite some very real concerns about Sarkozy’s treatment of his rival, such bitterness backfired on Villepin. Not only did it reveal him as an insecure loser, it gave the whole of France a strong clue as to why he probably lost (Sarkozy’s main rival now is the 5’7” Dominique Strauss-Kahn). Through diligence, endeavour and organisation, Sarkozy turned his height disadvantage into a major driver for his ambition – not least with respect to winning the girl.